Mummy says this isn’t good for me, but I keep asking where she clearly draws the line, if ever a clear line can be drawn on this. She believes in affiliations, she believes in mentors and confidants, she hates a do it alone ATT (as she calls it) but at least she appreciates that is her, and not me. Maybe this shouldn’t be the case in a daughter-mother discussion, but am glad we both have very diverse personalities, sometimes I wish I had taken after her, her stress free life that gives the hope of seeing another day, the way she easily sails through difficulties that wear me down, the way she deals with very difficult people with little energy, yes I do love her for that, just that I can never be her. All said, I still remain to be me, the me that has to so painfully chase after happiness, the me that has to stand on her grounds no matter how much pain accompanies her, and the me that least often compromises on her ideologies.
I know none may agree to this, but a change of my ideologies causes me much pain than the chase after happiness. I say this since it took me almost a lifetime to come up with and stick to what I believe in, it was a process, one that cost so much heartbreaks, pain, time, relations and so much to be achieved, and every time I get a call to change this my heart sinks into pain. I recall what it took me to gain this, I recall of the people I had to shake off to make the process complete, I remember the chances I lost of having a better future, it pains my heart because I only can tell the tale of the process, I went through the process alone, and I swore to myself to defend its results to the very end. I feel so close to the edge and many are the times have found me here.
I sometimes want to sit back and watch things happen, but I always get a way through the wilderness. I consider this yet another time that have reached the end of the tunnel, never will I settle on turning back to where I was, not to the high density pain have ever gone through, not into me life of misery I dwelt in for so long, not to the days I could die to keep the relationship, I choose to set my eyes on higher things, I settle on a better life, I want to be happier than I am and more than I have ever been, I choose to continue with the race, the chase, the desire and the reality will soon dawn on me.
I wish not to speak for you my dear one, but I choose to acknowledge that you too are yearning for this. I have never known happiness, as I could say. I have known pain, I have known sorrow, I have been hurt and I have cried. If I could recall of an instance when I last had a genuine smile on my face, then I could go years back. The days I hadn’t known what life is all about, when the principle of ask and it shall be given worked pretty well for me. I never knew pain, I never knew struggle, and
I never knew sorrow. Sadly my happiness was based on an individual, I hadn’t known how well I could scatter my eggs, I lay them all in one basket, and the day they broke I lost all. I had never pictured such an occurrence one day, I lived in ignorance and naivety (as I could say), but still I can’t take the blame, it all goes back to my age. Am a strong believer of maturity beyond the age limit, but I equally admit I had no control over this. I fell in love, in pursuit of happiness; I lost friendships with unbelievable people, in pursuit of happiness. I knew of one person that could make me happy, I thought I could walk with my first love the rest of my life, he promised love which he did deliver, he promised life full of smiles and remained faithful to that, he never hurt me, never at any point, for the twelve years I walked with him, he remained faithful.
But I sure did lose him, and then my life became unbearable. I lost him to the monsters of this world; I count it a betrayal to me, that the circumstances under which I lost him still remain unclear to me. It was the people he trusted most, even with me that separated us, it’s the people I thought were positive with our relation that snatched him from me, yes I cried, not for a day but forever, there came a time and I swore against falling in love again, in pursuit of happiness, I settled into a lifetime mourning, if that could make him happy in his absence. I ran for happiness, I cried for happiness, my life was full of misery, I had to change my character, I lost my original self to another self, a self that I had to adopt in search for happiness, a self that I sure knew was not mine, but I had to stick to that, in pursuit of happiness. I say this with so much pain, I say this with so much sorrow, have run and sought for happiness, I know none can replace my love, I need not be made happy by others, I need not force anyone to make me happy, I need not cry for him since he is long gone but all this I did in pursuit of happiness.